Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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