My first STD was from a foam party
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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