I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
