anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
