Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
