last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
