How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
