She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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