forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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