oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
