I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
