I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
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