shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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