Duck Duck Cougar?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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