I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
