I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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