Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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