I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
