Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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