In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
