I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
