Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
