K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
