I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
