yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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