In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
