is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
