don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
