i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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