Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
