ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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