god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you didnt know i had herpes?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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