Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
