She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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