we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
