when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
