also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
