A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
