There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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