I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
