You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
