I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
