she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
