nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
