just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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