I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
