she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
