Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
