I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
