I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
