the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
