Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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